Guns, Premature Ejaculations, and Poisoned Apples

I have a Trumpeteer friend who may have prematurely ejaculated when I asked whether he had heard Wayne LaPierre’s speech to CPAC. “He nailed it,” I wrote.

I didn’t fully explain my euphoria over hearing the truth: “the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” As the day unfolded, LaPierre and President Trump worked like Ax and Smash to promote more guns is good guns, primarily by arming teachers.

But neither LaPierre nor President Trump went far enough, intimidated perhaps by their fear of political correctivism. For inexplicable reasons, they argued that teachers should carry concealed weapons—and, Trump explained, receive additional pay for carrying.

I don’t see why the weapons should be concealed. These weapons should be openly displayed, advertising the depth of “hardening” specific schools. Schools should display pictures of their teachers, lecturing, a Glock, or more significantly, a Colt 45, riding on their hips. (see: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zw-jTCNZSmY)

Not only would such an open display intimidate school shooters, who in President Trump’s words, are “cowards,” it would also solve one of the more pervasive problems in our schools: discipline. Only teachers like myself understand how wonderful it would be to be carrying when faced with thirty libidinous teenagers who insist on chatting with or txting each other or watching videos while we are trying to explain the social implications of the subjunctive. Many of us would like to haul out our Colt 45s and say, “Shut the F#$@ up! There’s a new sheriff in town!” That gun brandished in the wild air would speak much louder than the pale threat of detention.

But even the open display of a handgun seems insufficient, particularly if we are trying to intimidate school shooters. Teachers should receive and be trained in the use of AR-15s. Think of it: the pictures advertising the “hardened” school: teachers with AR-15s slung over their shoulders while explaining the periodic table. This proposal would clearly scare away psychopathic school shooters and affirm discipline.

I can think of only one objection, to which LaPierre alluded in his CPAC address. Perhaps it applies only to colleges and universities—but my prematurely ejaculating friend claims the same is true of all teachers in California. The problem is that most of our teachers are socialists. “On college campuses, The Communist Manifesto,” LaPierre explains, “is one of the most frequently assigned texts. Karl Marx is the most assigned economist.”

I’ll have to take LaPierre’s word for these claims, although as someone with a B.S., B.Ed., M.A., and PhD, I have never read TCM or Das Capital. Truthfully, I know about them, and I have read people who have written about them, but I have never read them. I guess I slipped through the cracks in the floor.

But still: I’m worried that the European styled socialist educators might use their guns to intimidate students. So our policy will have to have filter teachers who have the wrong political orientations. I can imagine a simple test to sort the bad apples from the good.

Now that I think of it, we also know that Blacks are more inclined than Anglos to violence—witness the crime and prison rates of the Blank/Anglo populations. Consequently, we should automatically not let Blacks get AR-15s. I know that not all Blacks are criminals, but to continue my apple metaphor, as someone like LaPierre commented: you have ten apples; two are poisoned; are you willing to chance eating one of them????

Actually, since most Hispanics are criminals and rapists, we should exclude them, too. Well, that’s easy to do. We don’t even need tests to tell who’s Black or Hispanic.